girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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