so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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