Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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