Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
