I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
