Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
