Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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