just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
