It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
