I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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