I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
