how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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