The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
