My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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