I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
