Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
