you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
