At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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