Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
