sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
