Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
