so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
