Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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