since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
