i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
