eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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