I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
