someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
