I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
