WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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