I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
