apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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