I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sex in the backyard? Check.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
