my phone needs a breathalizer
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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