So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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