Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
