I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
