Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
