Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am available for nakedness
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
