I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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