3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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