Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
