These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Houston, we have a blender
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
