im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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