Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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