When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
