So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
