god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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