batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
