You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
PANTIES FOUND
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