I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
