Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Say something about gay babies.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
