pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
