fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
