I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
