I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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