You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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