I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
