Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
