Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
